


In which Thor is an Epic Troll

by notbeloved07



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Because even Loki can't resist Troll!Thor, Bruce Banner struts (MUCH worse than canon), Crack, F/M, Jane Foster gets her own back against SHIELD, M/M, No actual mpreg, References to Mpreg, Thor the Epic Troll, Tony Stark is a dick (NOT worse than canon), Trolling, Unrealistically happy ending for Loki and Thor, ignores Thor: The Dark World, so if it's your NoTP you probably won't enjoy this, the science boyfriends here is NOT a minor/background ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notbeloved07/pseuds/notbeloved07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor is an epic troll. Literally--there are epics written about him and everything. And if anyone's surprised that he managed to pull one over the super-spies or get right back at Tony Stark and Dr. Bruce Banner (a formidable pair of trolls in their own right, to be sure), they should have realised that you don't grow up with the god of lies and mischief without picking up a few tricks along the way. </p><p>This is the story of how Thor trolled the hell out of everybody, with a little help from Captain America, Dr. Jane Foster, and eventually the God of Lies himself. Because really, what sort of demi-god couldn't win his brother back from darkness by the power of <strike>love</strike> trolling?</p>
            </blockquote>





	In which Thor is an Epic Troll

**Author's Note:**

> I prompted this [troll!Thor prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/10266.html?thread=21642778#t21642778) way back when I just started writing Avengers fic more than a year ago, but I never got a fill, so here I have filled it myself.
> 
> Note for those who haven't seen Doctor Who: A [sonic screwdriver](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonic_screwdriver) is a fictional device from Doctor Who, a British science fiction family show. It does exactly what Bruce and Tony describe it doing here. It is not a fruit.

It started normally enough. As usual, a mug of coffee and a cup of tea had long since cooled as Bruce Banner and Tony Stark whisper shouted at each other, writing with tablet pens on the glass surface of the dining table, and rearranging molecular structures with swipes of their fingers. 

"How does that even work? You're talking zero chemical potential--" Bruce started.

"No, you're not even listening," Tony cut him off. " _Look at the graph._ "

" _Oh!_ " Bruce gasped. "You mean if we can raised the potential enough, we could hit the lowest energy state and achieve--"

"Room-temperature Bose-Einstein condensation!" Bruce and Tony finished together. They beamed at each other. Achieving the impossible was what they did over breakfast, and there was this gleam in Bruce's eye, and Tony had been waiting for the opportune moment for months--ever since _what does he need the iridium for?_ \--and it looked like the opportune moment had just arrived...

And just passed by when Captain Freaking America had to ruin it.

"Bruce? Tony?" Steve said.

Tony glared.

"Thor and I are heading out to the farmer's market. Is there anything you need?" Steve asked.

"Huh? Oh, a sonic screwdriver would be nice," Tony answered setting to work on the calculations. It was okay. He was _Tony Stark_. The opportune moment would present itself again.

"A what?" Steve asked.

"Sonic screwdriver," Tony looked up. "It's about this long," he gestured, "has a glowing diode at the end, emits a whirring sound. You'll know it when you see it."

"What's it for?" Steve narrowed his eyes.

"Lots of things," Tony shrugged. "It operates electronic systems, performs medical scans, finds life signs. But mostly, it lock-picks. It can pick all locks."

"Except wooden ones," Bruce corrected, rearranging his own equations with a flick of his fingers, and wasn't it beautiful how easily he melded himself with the technology.

"Oh, yeah," Tony said, forcing his gaze away from his physicist. "I mean, of course, who even uses wood these days? But yeah, Bruce's right. They don't work on wood."

"And I can find them at the farmer's market?" Steve raised his eyebrows.

"You could ask there, but I think Best Buy would be better?" Bruce suggested. "There's one two blocks over from the market, and you can--"

"Nah, Radio Shack's closer," Tony said.

"My friends!" Thor boomed from behind Steve. "Perhaps I misunderstand. These hljoðskrúfjárn, or sonic screwdrivers, as you call them, are they in season on Midgard?" 

Thor took a few steps towards the table to stand next to Steve, his eyes widened with surprise and a hint of hope.

"Um, sorry?" Bruce asked. "In season?"

"The hljoðskrúfjárn," Thor said. "The shining fruits that can open gates and find life, but meet their match against wood. My brother and I played with them as children, by the Well of Urd, where the elders held court, and in the halls of the palace itself. I did not think they would be in season now. On Asgard, they are only harvested during an annaðvetur, or second winter, and the last time there was a second winter I was but a lad, hundreds of earth-years ago. How I long to see one again! But you tell me that perhaps my desire can be granted here on Midgard?"

Thor looked from Bruce to Tony, his eyes full of sadness and hope.

The scientists glanced nervously at each other. Tony knew that much of mythology was inspired by contact with extra-terrestrial warriors, but could sonic screwdrivers really have been based on some sort of extra-terrestrial fruit? And more importantly, _how did this go so wrong?_

"Sure," Bruce said. "On Midgard, they're harvested on the conjunction of Venus and Saturn. Which is early September of this year. It's still September, right?"

 _Wow. Nice save,_ Tony thought to himself as Steve furrowed his eyebrows.

"Uh... It's October, Doctor Banner," Steve said.

"Oh, shit! Already?" Tony asked, sounding a little too shocked. He winced internally, but powered on. "Did I miss the October board meeting? What day in--"

"We're really sorry," Bruce interrupted.

"Oh," Thor said, his voice small and defeated. He lowered his gaze. "Worry not my friends. I did not truly think... Well, anyway. Perhaps next conjunction I will find them."

But his body language betrayed his words. He trembled slightly and took a deep breath to stop from crying.

"Um, would it be..." Steve started shyly, putting a hand on Thor's shoulder. "Well, it's a long shot, but is there any way you could simulate the seasons in your lab?

"Steve--" Bruce started.

"Never mind, I just thought--"

"No, wait," Tony said, placing his hand on Bruce's. "Actually, Cap, you're a genius. We might just be able to."

Bruce frowned at Tony before he caught his meaning. His eyes widened. "They'll take days--maybe weeks--to, uh, _grow_ , even at the accelerated pace--"

"--that we could set by genetic engineering if we dig into the sonic screwdriver genome--" Tony continued.

"--but we may be able to grow you one yet," Bruce finished, turning to Thor.

"No," Thor said. "Please, I am sure you have more important tasks for the glory of--"

"More important than growing you a sonic screwdriver like the ones by the Well of Urd?" Bruce smiled. "I don't think so, actually."

"My friends, I do appreciate the offer, but I would not wish to impose--"

"Yeah, whatever--" Tony rode over him. "We have a sonic screwdriver to build--I mean grow. Have fun at the market! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

With that he grabbed Bruce's wrist and dragged him out of the dining room.

 

**********

 

"Still. Doesn't. Work. On. Marble." Bruce groaned, his words muffled by the fact that he had his head in his arms, which were folded across the table.

"Meh. He probably wouldn't notice," Tony shrugged. "I mean, is he really going to try to open a locked door made of _marble_?"

"He's Thor."

"Uh... Good point." Tony scrunched his face in sympathy.

"How did this even happen to us, anyway?" Bruce asked, lifting his head from his arms. "No, seriously. How did neither of us know that Newman--or whoever wrote that episode--based the sonic on a goddamn _Asgardian fruit_?"

"Aw, don't be a downer," Tony said. "Think about it. When we're done here, we'll have the schematics for a _sonic screwdriver_ on our hands. Is that awesome or is that awesome?

"Well, there is that," Bruce sighed, going back to toggling the parameters.

 

**********

 

"Sonic screwdrivers!" Tony announced, barging into the dining room three days later. Bruce trailed after him, exhausted from being awake for the past forty-five hours, but he wasn't going to miss this for the world.

"One for you," Tony said giddily, placing one of their new devices in Steve's hand. "One for you," he said to Thor, handing him one as well. "And an extra one," he added, placing another in Thor's hand, "for the fair lady, and please do remind her of that job offer."

"Thank you, my brothers!" Thor said, his eyes widening as he held the screwdrivers reverently in his hands. "I will certainly pass this on to my lady, with your regards." He put one of them away.

"And if you could let her know that we made these here at the Tower over the course of three days that would be perfect."

"Made?" Thor asked.

"Grew," Bruce corrected. "He meant grew. We grew a sonic screwdriver tree here at Stark Tower. Let her know that."

"Tree?" Thor continued to inquire, though he was smiling. "On Asgard, they grow on vines, but I suppose the Midgardian form would be different. Thank you," he said, turning on the screwdriver. He beamed when it lit up and made the perfect whirring noise, and he held it up to the surface of Tony's dining hall table, watching the files open on the glass.

"It is perfect," Thor said, "like the freshest hljoðskrúfjárn as they are plucked from the vines by the Urðarbrunnr. I cannot thank you enough. I'm sure my Lady Jane will be ecstatic when she sees it."

"It was our genuine pleasure," Tony said to Thor with a bland smile.

"I certainly hope she likes it," He muttered to Bruce under his breath. "If she doesn't, I'm not sure I'd want to recruit her."

"Should I be offended?" Bruce asked, leaning against him. "I didn't get anything sonic for a recruiting present."

"Hey, don't give me that," Tony elbowed him. "You got a zap in the side with an electrostatic generator. That's so much better."

Bruce raised his eyebrows in understanding. He had always wondered whether his friend realised how much it meant to him the way Tony had teased and prodded him and tried to convince him that he wasn't a monster. Perhaps he did.

"After all," Tony continued, putting an arm haphazardly around Bruce and guiding him back out the kitchen door. "Who turns down a poke with a pointy thing from Tony Stark? I mean, really."

Bruce made a face as he walked and rubbed his ribs where Tony's elbow had jabbed him.

***

For the rest of the day, on the top floor beneath the penthouse of Stark Tower, a slap-happy engineer and his equally sleep-deprived physicist pushed no designs and wrote no papers, busy as they were playing with their new sonic screwdrivers, searching through files with a wave of their new toys, scanning each other's internal organs, locking and unlocking doors--with JARVIS's permission, of course--and occasionally checking on the trackers they had placed in the prototypes they had given to their friends--because as careless as the scientific geniuses could be sometimes, both had learned the hard way to keep their eyes on their research and their tech.

"Sir," JARVIS interrupted. "You might want to see this."

A video came up onto one of the larger screens displaying security footage from one of the sitting rooms in the Tower. Steve and Thor appeared on the screen, chatting.

"How did you even know?" Steve asked Thor.

Thor was also still toying with the screwdriver; he appeared to have found a padlock and was locking and unlocking it. "The mischievous doctor and the bright-eyed forger of metal have become cavalier in light of their successes."

He paused, waiting for Steve to catch on.

"...They took the idea from a film, didn't they?" Steve raised his eyebrows.

"Children's television show," Thor confirmed. "My Lady's childhood favourite."

["Doctor Who is not a children's show!" Bruce griped to Tony fifteen floors above.]

"I still can't believe you pulled that off," Steve said shaking his head.

"Allow yourself some credit, friend Steve," Thor said. "It was you who provided the clinch."

"Still. Your face... your _tears_. Where did you even learn to do that?"

"For nine-hundred turns of Midgard around Sol, I lived with and played with the God of Lies and Mischief himself. There were epics composed of our adventures. And our misadventures. It seems like Midgard has forgotten them," Thor smirked. " _That_ was their mistake."

***

Fifteen floors above them, a furious Tony Stark waved his hand and the video screen went blank.

"Did you just hear what I just heard?" he asked.

"You mean the drums of war?" Bruce smiled.

"I love when we understand each other."

 

 

*************************  
*************************

 

"I shall not be attending the State of the Division Address in three days," Thor announced.

"Thor," Fury said. "That meeting is not optional."

"Neither are the acts of love I must perform on that day."

"I'm sorry. The acts of _love_?"

"Aye. As the god of fertility, I must give my blessing on the festival of Dísablót, which is observed on Winternights, to ensure the fecundity of the next year."

Fury stared at Thor. Thor stared back.

Bruce sent a look to Tony, as if to say _is this guy seriously going to get out of the State of the Division Address to have sex?_

Tony hoped his replying glare accurately conveyed _if you had just done what I asked and told them that you needed sex with a hot genius playboy to stay calm, we could have got there first._

Bruce rolled his eyes. Message received.

"If you are the _god_ ," Fury argued. "Why don't you change the day that Diablah is observed?"

"You overestimate my power. Dísablót is determined by the cosmic forces and relates to the position of Midgard on Yggdrasil. I cannot just change it without tearing at these forces and possibly leaving swathes of land and maidens barren, not only on Midgard, but on its neighbouring realms as well."

Fury sighed audibly. "Fine. Thor, you're excused. The meeting is still required for everyone who is not a god of fertility."

"Um--" Tony raised his hand.

"Stark? No." Fury said, without turning to face him.

"But--"

"But nothing. No."

Tony sighed.

 

**********

 

Dr. Jane Foster was a mature adult and an astrophysicist, but that didn't stop her slap-happy giggle when Thor kissed her against the huge metal door in the bowels of SHIELD. Thor had flown them in from New Mexico by spinning hammer less than an hour prior and her hair was still a wind-blown mess, but between the sonic screwdrivers the science boyfriends had made for them (and no, they were not convincing her that they were anything but boyfriends) and the fact that almost all SHIELD agents were at the State of the Division Address, the two of them had made short work of SHIELD's security. They celebrated their victories in front of the room of buried technology with a quick kiss, Jane's back to the door and Thor pressed up against her, still working on the final lock in their way with a wave of a screwdriver.

The door finally clicked open and Jane stumbled back slightly, but Thor caught her before she fell. Suddenly, she saw a movement over his shoulder and tensed.

"Thor, there's someone in the hall," she whispered urgently in his ear. Thor dropped her abruptly on her feet and held out his hand for Mjölnir, who came flying from the where they'd hidden her.

"Easy there, Point Break!" Tony Stark drawled, strolling down the hall side-by-side with Bruce Banner. "Don't wanna disturb this guy's zen, do you?" He jabbed a thumb in Banner's direction.

"What are you doing here?" Thor said. "You should be at the Address."

Banner shrugged. "I told them I was feeling a bit green about the edges. You know, with all those junior agents with guns in the room. Said I needed some air."

"And you?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow at Stark.

"They asked for Iron Man," Stark said. "Iron Man's there."

"You sent an empty suit," Jane said.

Thor tilted his head. "But they made you lift your face-plate last time."

Stark smiled cryptically.

"So how--" Jane started.

"Ah, see," Stark cut her off. "That's the sort of thing we don't share with people who aren't affiliated with Stark Industries."

"Stark," Jane sighed. "I appreciate the invitation, I really do, but I'm an astrophysicist, not an engineer. I only build things when I need them to help understand the fabric of the universe."

"And you'd look at stars while down here on earth, we are still facing--"

"No. We are not debating the morality of science versus engineering. I want to know why you're here."

"Why are _you_ here? I mean, shouldn't you be off having sex to honour Diablo II or something?"

" _Dísablót_ ," Thor corrected automatically, "doesn't technically start until nightfall."

"Wait, are you tracking us?" Jane asked.

"N-No..." Tony said.

Jane raised an eyebrow. "You are, aren't you." 

"We're really not."

Jane continued to stare.

It was Banner who diffused the staring contest. "We were tracking the screwdrivers."

There was a silence.

"What?" Stark rolled his eyes. "We're careful with the tech we hand out, okay? And we should be, considering _your_ track record of having your shit stolen by SHIELD."

Jane winced involuntarily. Of course, Tony Stark had a reputation for poking people where it hurt, so she should have expected no less, but she still had nightmares about the time she stood by powerless while strangers in suits took away everything she'd been building for years. She had thought that as an engineer, Stark would at least understand that.

"Sorry," Banner said, glaring at Stark. He turned back to Jane. "I mean _he's_ sorry. Aren't you, Tony?"

"Well, if it weren't true--"

"Tony."

"Fine. I'm sorry. But really, if you were working for _me_ , that would never have happened to begin with."

"I am aware," Jane said. "Which is actually why we're here."

"To have hot god sex in the most classified areas of SHIELD? Yeah, that'll show 'em," Stark said sarcastically. Then he stopped himself. "Wait. Actually, that _would_ show 'em. Bruce, why didn't we think of that one?"

"Actually--" Jane tried to cut in.

"Because _we are not having sex_!" Banner answered.

"Wait. Really?" Jane couldn't help asking. Banner glared at her. She tried to suppress her smile.

"Yet," Stark corrected. "Not having sex _yet_."

"Also, we're not gods," Banner said.

"Speak for yourself," Stark smirked. "I'll have you know that I have been called a god of sex, technology, and clean energy."

"Yeah, ever wondered about that?" Jane asked.

"What? Of course not. And you wouldn't either if you..."

Thor glared at him.

"Uh... if you considered SI enough to appreciate our tech?" Stark smiled awkwardly at Thor, who towered over him with a raised eyebrow.

"I meant the clean energy bit," Jane rolled her eyes, whacking Thor lightly on the arm. "It's an important and lucrative area of study and there are a lot of geniuses working on it. And you know your HR department hasn't managed to hire even close to all of them. Ever wonder why you're the only name in clean energy? I mean, the biggest name, sure, but the _only_ name? Does that not seem odd to you?"

"I have a feeling you're about to tell me," Stark said.

"As it turns out, I'm not the only scientist who has a track record of 'getting my shit stolen by SHIELD' as you so eloquently put it."

"What? Wait. You're saying SHIELD routinely cleans out people working on clean energy tech? That doesn't... What you had was different. Armed, powerful aliens from another dimension... that..."

"Can be weaponised..." Banner finished for him, eyes widening as he spoke. "Not unlike many forms of energy production."

"Exactly," Jane said. "The only reason they never touched you is because they couldn't. Everyone else is fair game. And with the fossil fuel industries lining government pockets, well, there's definitely incentive to bury as much clean energy research as they can."

"Shit," Tony said, more surprised than angry. Then he frowned. "Wait, so Thor got out of a State of the Division Address ostensibly to have god sex, but you're really using the distraction to clean out SHIELD? That's actually kind of awesome. Bruce, next year--"

"No."

"Fine," Stark pouted. Then, his eyes lit up.

"Before you ask," Jane said. "No. We are not letting you steal the tech in there."

"But _you're_ stealing it."

"We're giving it back to its rightful owners," Jane said. "Without looking at it. You two can continue on your walk."

"Just a peek?" Stark begged.

"No," Banner answered for Jane, steering Stark away. "We all know you have eidetic memory. Besides, it'll be nice to have competition for a change, won't it?"

"Yeah, like those guys could give _us_ any competition," Stark muttered, but he let his friend guide him away regardless.

"Hope you have fun with the god sex!" Tony yelled over his shoulder as they walked away.

"Hope you guys do, too!" Jane called back.

Banner flipped her off without turning around. Jane laughed.

 

*************************  
*************************

 

[One year later, i.e., the next Dísablót.]

 

"Brother, please, I know this isn't you. I know you are still in there somewhere," Thor said, clasping his brother's head between his hands.

Loki could hear him, but the voices were muffled as he navigated this dream-world. His actions were fuzzy and distant, like he was watching them through a cloud.

On the other side of the cloud, the man with the eye-patch was shouting commands at his underlings. Furlong? Fuhrer? Ah, right. _Fury,_ he realised. He must be attacking the Helicarrier again. How boring--sequels were never as good as the originals.

"Thor!" Fury was yelling. "Stop caressing your run-on sentence of a brother and pay attention to the attack!"

 _Run-on sentence of a brother?_ Even through the fog, this piqued Loki's interest.

"You dangling modifier!" Another agent shouted.

It wasn't until he heard yet another agent shouting something along the lines of "Comma splice you, you run-on sentence!" did Loki pay enough attention to the All-speak mechanisms to realise that the offending words were not being spoken in English. Or indeed any Midgardian language.

They were in Old Ýdalirian, the language once spoken in the dwellings of Ullr in Alfheim, home of the Light Elves. Oh, Thor. Loki weaved his magic through his words, so he detested poor grammar in any language, and Thor had somehow taught everyone at SHIELD to use Ýdalirian terms for grammatical errors as curse words. It was sickeningly sweet and exactly the sort of thing Loki's brother would do.

The thought actually made Loki pause. A half-smile threatened to form on his face before he brushed it off. There was business to be done.

"Hey Thor," a voice called out from the PA system. "Isn't it Dísablót today?"

Loki recognised it as the mild mannered physicist who on occasion turned into a monster. Though the physicist spoke softly, his voice often carried an undercurrent of dark humour; it had always been part of what had drawn Loki to him.

This time was no different. The physicist's seemingly innocent words caused a flurry of argument.

"How the ever loving comma splice did you get on our PA system?" An agent asked.

"Wait, is it really Dísablót today?" A man in a blue-and-red outfit said. He sounded innocent, but not enough to fool the God of Lies--there was mischief in his voice. "Doesn't that mean you need to be off having sex somewhere?"

 _What?_ Loki thought to himself.

"Focus on the attack, Rogers!" Fury yelled.

"Wait," an agent asked, without even a hint of irony. "But last Dísablót Thor had to miss the State of the Division address to do the fertility ritual!"

"Yeah, to keep whole planets from becoming barren," another agent said. "He should _really_ go do his acts-of-love ritual."

 _What?_ Loki thought. _What the ever loving_ comma splice _has my mischievous little brother been telling these mortals about Asgard? And Alfheim, for that matter?_

"Loki!" Thor turned to Loki in awe.

"Oh, I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"You are remembering who we are, who we once were," Thor placed his hands on his brother again, but this time with delight rather than despair. 

And Loki did remember. He looked down at the weapon in his hand, and he still felt the drive to kill someone with it, but it was weaker, more manageable. The fog was clearing, cleared by the sound of two children laughing through the centuries, the absolute demons of Asgard.

Loki tried to pull back.

"No, don't deny it, brother," Thor said. "I can see that you are."

"Nay, Thor," Loki said. "I think you're the one who is just remembering something long forgotten."

After all, Loki had wondered whether his brother's mischievous and playful streak had been fully blotted out by the air of sincerity he had taken on to impress his father so many years ago.

Thor gave him a tentative smile.

 

*************************  
*************************

 

Sailors have spoken about the lull before the storm for centuries--the deceptive calm that portends the chaos--but nobody knew this concept better than parents of two-year-olds and team leaders with mad scientists on their team.

Thus Steve was understandably concerned when things started to go quiet in Stark Tower. For weeks, Bruce didn't try to convince him that pictures of bathroom cleaner needed to be downloaded periodically to 'so the internet pipes don't get clogged', and Tony didn't send him out to buy invisibility cloaks or wristwatch teleporters. Even the explosions and fires and announcements of "oops, sign error, don't mind the fact that we dyed the clouds bright green" were kept to a minimum.

After three months of quiet, Steve decided to voice his suspicions.

"So, what have you two been up to?" He asked Bruce one day after their weekly team dinner, as he sat with his team--and Loki, who was Thor's guest.

"Oh, you know, the usual," Bruce said. "Working out quasi-particle excitations, which mostly amounts to staring at data and making sure the magnets don't quench."

"Oh, I just meant, well, it's been a bit quieter, you know?"

"What?" Clint said. "They played Finite Simple Group of Order Two on the tower's speakers non-stop for three whole hours on Wednesday!"

"True, but that's..."

"A lot more restrained than their norm?" Natasha finished for him.

"Yeah."

"Wait, wait, wait," Tony said. "Let me get this straight. You're complaining that we're showing too much restraint. JARVIS, are you recording this conversation?"

"Of course, sir," Jarvis sounded amused.

"Great! Bruce, you caught that right? Captain America just complained what we're too restrained and too virtuous--"

"Well, that's not quite what I said--"

"And they're worried about us," Tony continued. "But really, no need to worry your pretty heads, Banner and I have lost neither our energy nor our creativity--"

"That's not what I was worried about--"

"We were merely channelling it into other things," Tony smirked.

"That _is_ what I was worried about," Steve said. "Wait. Other things. You mean... Oh. Finally."

"Tony!" Bruce yelled. "We talked about this!" Then he frowned and turned to Steve. "Wait, what do you mean 'finally'?"

"Oh, nothing," Steve smiled.

It didn't matter anyway, Bruce had gone right back to glaring at Tony.

"I--" Tony said. "But, we--we agreed not to reveal it _unless it was an emergency_ , and when _Captain America_ says that we're too quiet and restrained and that there aren't enough explosions--"

"Not what I said--"

"--how is that not an emergency?" Tony finished.

Bruce stared at him.

"Shit... I messed up, didn't I?" Tony grimaced.

Bruce started to tremble.

"I'm sorry. I'll--I'll make it up to you."

Bruce's trembling intensified.

"And I promise, I won't let them do anything to us--wait a second, are you _laughing_?"

Bruce burst out in laughter. Everyone else let out a breath.

"You asshole!" Tony griped, though he was smiling.

"My brothers," Thor said. "You know your union would not normally be a fertile one, do you not?"

Tony eyes darkened. "You know, out of all people I thought might get all homophobic about it, like, I dunno, people affiliated with the military, people from the forties, Russians, and whatever, I really didn't expect it to be someone whose brother mothered an eight-legged horse."

Thor looked confused, as though he were trying to work out what exactly 'homophobic' meant.

Loki, who had been silently watching the exchange, had a sparkle in his eye, a mixture of pride and amusement.

"I doubt my brother meant that as a condemnation," Loki observed. "It sounded like an offer."

"Indeed, brother!" Thor beamed. "It would be my pleasure to make fruitful a union that would otherwise be barren."

Bruce choked.

Tony on the other hand, moved immediately to call Thor's bluff. "What, Bruce?" He mock-glared. "You don't think I'd make a good mother? I promise not to throw up on you... much."

Bruce tilted his head to the side. "You know, you probably would handle pregnancy like a champ. And I always did want kids."

There was an awkward moment, where Steve expected Thor to come up with a way to back out of it. Given his antics so far, he was sure the god had a back-up plan, or five, each more brilliant than the last.

Instead the demi-god beamed brighter. "Excellent! We must gather nine kinds of wood and a mare who has foaled three times--"

"Wait, hang on, you were being serious?" Bruce said.

"I thought you were just tro--uh--jerking us around," Tony furrowed his eyebrows.

The _t-word_ was a pejorative term for _jötunn_ , as the team had learned several weeks earlier by way of a rather pointed thunderstorm. It was never to be spoken in front of Thor.[1] Loki, ironically, did not find the term offensive in the least.

Tony turned to Loki.

"Is he... can he actually do that?" he asked, and since when did people check with _Loki_ to figure out whether someone was lying about something?

"I could have borne Sleipnir with or without his blessing," Loki shrugged, his eyes dancing with amusement. "But I'm sure it did not hurt."

"My friends!" Thor stood up, his voice rising. "I am a god of fertility. No union that I have hallowed with fertility has ever been barren."

It was suddenly very quiet, and Steve wondered if Thor always looked so large, so bright, and so terrifying.

Thor looked around and sat back down. "I take it, you do not want your union so hallowed."

"We are not quite at that point in our relationship yet," Tony said diplomatically.

"But if we ever reach such a point," Bruce said, "if your offer still stands--"

"I do not take back my word--"

"We'll make sure to ask you."

"That sounds reasonable," Thor said. He smiled. "You would make such excellent children, courageous in battle and capable of great feats of magic--I mean science. With their parents to teach them Midgardian science, Uncle Loki and Uncle Thor to teach them the ways of words and the ways of battle, there shall be no obstacle they can't vanquish. Unless, of course, they choose to go up against my own children with my Lady Jane, of Asgardian mettle and--"

Steve, Natasha, and Clint groaned as they imagined the sorts of havoc all these potential children could wreak.

"Couldn't you guys just stick to nice, innocent things like getting out of SotD to have sex and or dyeing the clouds green and what-not?" Clint asked, rubbing his temples.

**Author's Note:**

> [1] According to Wikipedia, the term 'troll' was originally a negative synonym for 'jötunn'.
> 
> The question of whether Thor is telling the truth in the last scene, or simultaneously bluffing and calling the science bros' bluff is left as an exercise to the reader.


End file.
